CARA STOP LIKING THINGS ON MY BLOG BECAUSE I’M JUST MISSING YOUR FACE THAT MUCH MORE AND I HOPE YOU ARE DOING OK AND YOU ARE AMAZING AND YOUR ORIGINAL ART IS GOING UP ON MY WALL SOON AND OMG SOB I MISS YOU.
and i can’t wait to have more foodie adventures in nyc / atlanta whenever you are up and healthy enough for travel or cons someday and WE NEED TO DRINK SO MUCH AND SHARE FANDOM BATTLESCARS
Christ, sometimes I just want to step the fuck away from the Sherlock fandom and watch It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia or Louis because at least in those shows, the assholes are on screen and not in the fandom.
Came into work and am eating by myself. Set up dining room while people started their break; I just kept working. I then went to the bar and just sat and typed texts on my phone. Its dead today and I’m just by myself on my phone.
I don’t care anymore. Im keeping to myself and waiting two weeks before I ask to transfer unless I suddenly am magically left alone and the mind games stops . Which it won’t.
I’m just excited to apply to this one job that could be good for me. Hopefully benefits….tuition reimbursement or something. I really want to make easy and fast cash working in a restaurant and focus on my health and school. But having steady income and benefits would be awesome too. Not great for going on with school but yeah. Its either one or the either.
But I’m also not one to admit defeat and give up anymore. Talking to my manager was pointless….but I’m still going to be pointedly unsocial but a good…one time..presentable and hard worker. See where that gets me in two weeks. But also put my resume out there. If I can make more money with less bullshit….I’m so out of here.
If I suddenly am respected and make enough money to survive at my current job, I’ll do my best to stick it out and transfer in two weeks. Sure. I like the job. I like people I work with. But when management doesn’t take you seriously and you have to deal with gossip and favoritism….ugh. no thanks.
That time you wake up late for work and your body and brain are like ‘who gives a fuck’.
Talking to your manager about people making up rumours about you to get people to dislike you and how your schedule is so slow you are $600 behind on rent….only to be blamed and not listened to…. totally set off my triggers of mental and emotional abuse from my parents growing up. Like….when you talk to an adult about something that is wrong and unfair and you know you are in the right……and they just ignore what you say and blame you for it. Apparently, new employees coming up to me asking for help because they are too nervous to ask management is ‘inappropriate socializing’ and no matter how hard I work, or early I show up,or well I do at work…. I’m still too ‘anxious and at the edge of a breakdown’……?????????????? In any case, anything I tried to share or discuss was ignored and it was the most one sided ‘performance discussion’ that I ever asked for and I seriously know I could be 10x the manager a few of my bosses at work will ever be. Two of them, they are good people and they try and they have my respect. 3 of them….yeah no. I actually really like my job. I like what I do. I like my peers. I like the busy times and challenge. But when you have shit management….it just makes it not worth it anymore.
So. With that, I formally give up and throw the towel in.
Definitely going to be early, talk to no one my entire shift and apply to an office job and throw out my resume to higher class dining establishments… then ask for a transfer or hopefully just be at a better job in two weeks. Ideally…I want to go to s
I’m stuck in this cab in traffic and I honestly don’t give a fuck if I ever get to work.
So I’m sober enough to realize I am super lucky to have a roommate who doesn’t judge me. At all. Ever. Like, I kinda went to her reading for class and drank way too much and came home and proceeded to vomit in our sink while talking to her. Like…mid conversation. And she just acted like it was nothing and either she or her girlfriend proceeded to give me water and painkillers and out me to bed.
I realize now that being in a room of mildly to super attractive,successful and talented people who are in college and making something of themselves, either by a. Having parents rich enough to send them b. Being on scholarship because they are that awesome or c. Being able to finance it all …. well, what I did wasn’t right but I understand now that I am at a huge risk for relapsing if I don’t get help. I started getting anxious and felt ….like too many emotions. My fucking roommate is super talented and her writing is amazing (no…really…I literally like…only really connected to or liked….maybe just her piece now that I think about it) and I was just like ‘oh hey two bottles of wine? Imma drink you in like an hour’
I feel super guilty about doing that, but at the same time, I know it was a reaction to me being in a very uncomfortable and triggery event and having no medication or therapy for months. I think seeing people bettering themselves, with romantic partners and family supporting the hard work they do….not struggling to pay rent and eat (ohhhhhh yeah that reminds me I’m still $600 short of rent this month) and like ‘oh what pretty clothes do I wear to my vapid reading of unrelatable and self servicing drabble and wow, my purse is like … a few hundred dollars oh this wine is so good’ and faculty who I swear, have a ‘middle class worker life that isn’t paid for by a trust but instead hard work’ fandom obsession (no really like otaku of the real world) just made me angry and jealous and stupid and I drank too much.
Question is…how the fuck does my mother live like this on a daily basis? Like….she let’s her depression and anger and loneliness and sadness consume her to drink like this daily. This is horrible. I’m puking every so often and I’m in intense pain and regretting ever starting to drink last night. I want to call out of work and just wake up not hungover from wine and depressed and sad. I am also super proud of my roommate and I had a good time with her and her gf but omg.
Lesson learned. I’m working on my resume and applying for office jobs with health insurance so I can get back into treatment and on meds asap. Dreams of working a flexible job and going to college have to end. I’ll have to work full time and try to find time for school.
Times like this….im super angry with my family for allowing /guilting me into leaving school and providing for them and never having a chance to be in my 20s and getting my degree. Now im almost 30 and I just feel so fucking hopeless.